Last night was totally fun.
Pudding in the park is ALWAYS a good idea.
Next time, we just need to remember to buy Siul his own pack.

Siul is a lot of fun to talk to. He gives excellent advice. And Mason, surprisingly, seems to be a lot of fun too. This is the first time I've heard more than a three word sentence come out of his mouth.

Anyway, I'm going to work today. That's always a downer, but hopefully I can hang out with someone after.

I'm so pissed right now.

Luke's birthday is on the 30th.
I wanted to spend it with my friends.
I understand that's when someone picked to have my nephew's birthday party, but they could have picked another time, especially when I made it clear before that I was taking the day off to spend on him.


I'm so sorry Luke.

There wouldn't be so much fucking drama if you wouldn't do things like starting shit after MONTHS of not talking. Hmm, hard to understand, isn't it?

Oh, and then saying we're cool and then semi-secretly talking shit behind my back doesn't help either.

I was the only one who stuck up for you out here.
The one who didn't hate you by the time you left.
The one who, yeah, lied about being ok with your choices to keep you happy because so many other things were shit for you right then.
I'm sorry I even tried to be a good friend so I didn't lose you.
That was just stupid of me.

All that time we spent is wasted, because I don't see the point anymore. You threw it away and you are happy with your choice, and now I'm happy with the fact that I am not a complete bitch to the people who have been there for me through a lot of hard times.

To my friends: I love you more than anything, and I will NEVER treat you like you are just some people I used to know and then come on here and talk like nothing we went through ever mattered because my new life is so glamorous mainly because you are not in it.

To you, who this topic is quite obviously directed toward; who so nonchalantly disrespects every moment we have had together; who's abhorrent distaste for anything reminiscent of her old friends who used to be willing to take a fucking bullet for her leaves us feeling pushed aside for the bright and shiny: Quite honestly, I'm done. I'm done listening to you make yourself the victim every time something bad happens. I hope you end up alone. I think that would just about qualify as even.

So have a great fucking new life, and tell all your friends about how evil we always were to you, and how bitchy I have been in this letter, because in the end I learned who would really be there for me and now you mean absolutely nothing. I will pay absolutely no attention to a response, so it is up to you to even bother. And I take it back, I hope you have an absolutely fantastic life; sorry for draining those 8 years.

I'll be in a hole the next few days.

I'm really going to miss him. I wish we talked more. I wish we stayed as close as we were.

I wish a lot of things.

He was two years older than me.

- List 20 things you want to say to 20 different people
- Don't say who they are.
- Don't confirm anything.
- Never discuss it again. (This is so very drastic.)

1. I think you're cheating. That is a horrible idea, but you are a man and I still don't trust you. Take care of your fucking offspring. I dodn't want to be mad, but right now' you are pissing me off.

2. I think you are just a big ass baby. You come here and cry about everything. Why let shit bother you that much? Do something to change your life. If boys are that horrible, stop going for them. You are young and you don't even need to date anyone now.

3. I think you need to be straight with me. If I'm wasting my time, please let me know.

4. I am head over heels for you and you don't see it. Or you don't care.... one or the other.

5. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, and I am so happy you took a crappy job, otherwise we wouldn't have met. You talk about leaving sometimes, and to be honest, I get a little mad, because I wonder if we'll see eachother as often as we do. You're like my life mentor..... I look up to you in so many ways, it is just childish. I love you so much and I hope we're friends for a looooong time. Just stop stealing my boyfriends away.

6. BFF #1 (not because you're the best, just because I'm mentioning you first) I love you. We are the same person and sometimes that is scary. Sometimes I wish I were a little more like you, because you have such an awesome style. I still want to learn your native tongue. I hope we really are bffs because I can't really imagine a time in my life when I can't text you, lol, or a week we can't watch House or Nip/Tuck. Haha, we have to at least be friends until the series finale of both shows.

7. BFF #2 I love you as well! I wish we had more time to spend with eachother! This summer will be better. I love that we can go weeks without talking and yet we are still as close as we always have been. Not that I want to go weeks, but you understand..... Oh, and I do have to say, it would be nice seeing you without HIM at least once this year, lol. The three of us (other bff, not the bf) need to go out sometime soon. Alone, without the millions of people. Oh, and start making time for House / Nip/Tuck, damnit.

8. You are a goddamn idiot. I deal with you because you are like family. Only, the drunken uncle who embarasses the shit outta me. Stop fucking with her when you know what she went through, and get some idea of moral boundaries. I don't think everyone should hate you forever because of this. You've all been friends too long, but you have got to move mountains to prove you understand what you did was wrong.

9. I don't know about you. Sometimes I hear things that you have said that make me hate you, mostly for someone else's sake....

10. I hate you, plain and simple. You fucked with my head worsethan anyone. Worse than Rob. I loved you with so much of myself, and you never even cared. I was sex to you. Now, you're off with that stupid bitch getting high all the time.... I hope you fucking OD. I really do. You pushed me so far away and waited for me to end it and when I did, I was mad at you and you did not understand why. I hate you..... that is not going to change. No matter how many emails you send me telling me how good of a friend I was and how sorry you are, because you are not. You are not sorry because you still don't see what you did wrong.

11. You're my baby and you will live forever.

12. You two are so mischievous, but you're my children and I love you all the same.

13. You're not even born yet and I want to tell you I hate you and you ruined my life.

14. I like you and you'll never feel the same. Is age really such a huge factor?

15. You'll get through this. He's a jackass. Just stop showing him how much you need him. That is allowing him to win. If he doesn't love you the same way, he does not deserve you.

16. You're creepy.

17. I miss you so much. We we're best friends and now I have no idea where you are or how to get ahold of you.

18. I think you just made a huge mistake but I really want to watch it all fall apart. It will be funny.

19. Ok, this is to a group of people: Stop playing Smash Brothers. It has been 7 goddamn years. No one cares anymore.

20. You're amazing and beautiful and perfect in every way. People should line up outside your house just to kiss your feet every morning. I love you more than anyone. You really are the perfect human being.

My brother is filing for divorce next week :(

Mary will be here this weekend.

Are you kidding?
Fuck it.
I'm over it.

So, why do I always end up being the cool chick? All my friends are indirectly saying "Dude, you are the coolest friend, but I would probably never date you, because I'm so shallow I have no other interest in you."
How to break away from that?



I'm tired of only liking people who will bring drama to my life. Teachers, friends, bosses..... it gets old. Friends parents, lol. (Not just yours, Soraya. There are others.)

Rglrglrglrgl.

That I'm not good at this whole grooming thing and Jason doesn't feel like he can tell me.
Not that I want to hear him tell me I'm bad at it, lol, I'm so scared of that whole situation, but I don't want to waste my time if I'm going to end up grooming like Sara. I just look up to Jason in so many ways. He is quite literally the strongest person I've ever met considering the shit he has been though in his life.... and I know how stupid this sounds, but I want to do something that will make him proud of me in some way. I bust my ass in that salon just to impress him.

I don't want to suck, but after that schnauzer yesterday, I could just feel the anxiety building up again with that carin.

Ugh.
I know I'm a lame-o.

I had this horrible dream last night that Jason got lung cancer again and opted not to go through chemo. He said he was tired of fighting it and just wanted to live the rest of his time without being too sick to spend time with Frank, his mom, and me. I was crying so hard and telling him I'd shave my head with him and go to every session if he'd just fight it and not leave me. It was so horrible. When I woke up I cried and was like "If he doesn't do chemo, I'll kill him before the cancer."

He cannot leave me. He can't. I hate going Monday-Thursday without hanging out with him. I call him every day.

I didn't tell him about it. I think we'd both cry. When he told me the first time (in reality, not my dream) that he didn't think he would fight it again, I think he was ready to cry. I know I was, and he saw that and told me not to. Thinking about that scares me. I know it sounds so dumb, because I've only known him since December, but he's one of my best friends. I just don't think I could handle that.....

It is not even possible for Gerard Butler to be any hotter.....

Poor Julian. Haha, I feel like I am betraying him. But come on. That chest..... that scar... Man, fighting is so hot.

Speaking of hot, I really need to stop listening to that tape I have of Dr. Lott's lecture. I've only gone through it twice, and I really need to take notes from it, but I can't concentrate.

What am I going to do next semester? Not have him as a teacher..... I don't know if that sounds good.

He is also waaaaay too sexy for his own good.

I don't know what I'm going to do about a job....
I want to keep working with Jason..... but the whole Terry thing might be too much. I can't really express the physical anger I feel when I think about her.
I'm just so attached to Jason I don't want to leave him.



Bummer.

Guess who's quitting Petco?

I'm a good friend.
It does piss me off when that goes unnoticed.
I try to put my friends before me and listen to their feelings and try to make them feel better, and to have them act like I'm this selfish bitch who never respected them.....
After all that....
It fucking hurts.

Most of my friends, they recognise it, like I tell them all the time how awesome they are to me, but sometimes, other people are just assholes.

So, I'm sitting in the Student Lounge for a long time by the TV watching CNN, and I decide to go have a cigarette. When I come in, this jackass is sitting in my spot (yes, I own it) and luck would have it, there is a spot available right by Professor Lott. So, I'm not too disappointed anymore. We sit there for a while and then he asks how my reading is going and what classes I'm taking, then we start talking about my book review. I chose Scientists Confront Creationism because it is a great book, and we start talking about religion. It is mostly him talking, because I'm very shy around this man. That, and I'd much rather hear him speak. He's going on about the war and what it is really about and I comment on how horrible it would be if some of the pinko commies got in control and took control of their lives. We wouldn't be able to use them anymore for labor. But listening to him talk and hearing all the things he knows..... I want that. I want to know about all of these political agendas and I want to speak out against them. People are really so stupid because they don't know whats going on, and I want to tell them.

But I was also thinking some more about how bad I want him to rape me, lol. I don't think I've met a sexier man. He was raised poor on the real 8 mile, and he was part of an irish gang. HOW FREAKIN' HOT IS THAT? Ugh, I'll be thinking about him tonight. :)

I can't stop thinking about Jason.
My poor little gay. :(






So, I wrote Tom today basically telling him it won't happen.
I probably would have done it sooner..... but he's the first guy to pay attention to me in a long time. I just kind of wish it would happen more often. Or I wish that I would start liking guys who are available. And not in their 40s.

My sociology teacher is amazing though. He's so smart and attractive, lol, and he sounds like Christopher Walkin. It's so hard to concentrate though when all I can think about is him raping me.

I guess I just like things to be complicated. The one guy I can actually see myself with won't work because of a million reasons and I'm afraid all our friends would really be pissed about it. And the others I'm less interested in..... it just won't happen.

IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v19/OoxDoll_FacexoO/angel_dorman.jpg[/IMG]

I <3 working with Jason and Jen.
Even if they both did get the shit beat out of then with the Stupid Tree.
Watch out for that guy.




I want sex.
:(

So.
THE DATE.
Well, sort of date.

EW.
Tom = NEVER IN MY LIFE.
How to get rid of him?
I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I barely know him, so what do I care?
Well, I wouldn't want someone to hurt me. But he was so dull. He wasn't manly enough. He made gay hands. He liked Ryan more than me.
Ugh.
I was all excited I'd get laid.
No such luck.
I flirted with Ryan more than anything.
And I swear, it wasn't only because he wasn't cute.
He was stupid too.

>:/