I'm pissed now.

I'm uninteresting now because he couldn't see me before he went home.
That means he was going to use me.
What a jackass.
& I've been sitting here like a stupid bitch thinking "Oh, maybe this guy is pretty cool, and even though there will never be any sort of relationship, we could be good friends..... and maybe sleep together sometime." (Not so much that last part)
But he really did seem pretty cool.
I hate boys, man.

Except for Tom. He's lookin' pretty good right now. <3

Why I hate being THAT girl.

The one with the butterflies.

He hasn't written me back since I told him I couldn't see him before he left.
Really, I should be glad he's leaving, because I don't think I could handle the drama our relationship would have (telling my parents, friends, etc.)
I may be, scratch that, I AM obsessing a little, but I liked him. He seemed mature and cynical and nerdy and just plain manly, lol. It was hot.... and he was nice to me.




I joke about it, but it really sucks liking older guys. people have a harder time understanding that then homosexuality. It's also hard to find a guy into it too.

I always fall for teachers. Goldwater, and now Lott.
Dave (Goldwater) I've liked a little more though, and I think if I weren't the student, we'd have something. He'd never come on to me though, lol, I'd have to do the work.
He has nice fingers.
I love men's hands, I always have, but I love it when they have long fingers, lol. *dirty*
They both do. It's so hard to pay attention in call when I can only imagine them raping me.
Man, I neede a cigarette.

Jason (not the brother) needs to get online <3

If he doesn't respond to my email in 10 seconds, I'm going to scream.
..........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If he doesn't respond to my email in 10 seconds, I'm going to scream.
..........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm being a stupid girl now.
Waiting for Tom and Jason.

Oh god....
It's so sad.
I haven't felt this in a while though, it's nice to know I can still have these emotions.

Last night was like sex.
I seriously almost drove over to Tom's place.
I was ready.
I have freaking butterflies.
I miss the butterflies.
It hasn't been long since I've had them, but I actually have a chance with these guys.

Which one though?


Guys who are actually coming on to me really boosts my self esteem.
I never thought I was cool, but now a lot of people on Myspace are trying to add me and saying I seem awesome. I like that.

Ok, I lied, Tome is pretty hot.

So, I was talking to this guy Jason I met online today.
He's pretty hot.
Smart.
Athiest.

Only downside.... he's 30.

I don't mind much though.....
He's pretty straight forward on the flirting with me thing too.
Man, I want him.

Basically, athiesm has become a really big part of my life. Like most people (I think?) I spend a lot of time thinking about my own future, and my beliefs in an "afterlife."
For a long time, I felt bad. Not for not believing in just God, but for having any sort of religious beliefs. I thought, "but if I don't belive in something after I die, what is there to live for?"
What you do on Earth while you're alive is important to most religions because it dictates what happens after you die.
There is this epic battle between good and evil. Something that is born inside of all of us automatically. Day and night, angels and demons. It has been talked about since the beginning of human time.
Karmics belive in a universal emanation of consequences, good or bad.

I can't belive in that. I don't feel bad for it either. I won't be such an ignorant human and believe I know the ultimate answer. I don't know what happens when I die. I doubt there is a god or gods intimate enough with us to hear our every prayer, but I can never say I know for sure.

I don't believe. I don't belive I am cosmically controlled by anything. This concept of good and evil is human made. I think what is important is right now while I'm here. I want to make a lasting impression on people.

So, yeah, athiesim is as important to me as religion is to other people. I'm not a nazi about it though. I'm just tired of people taking issue with it.

I need someone who really gets why I'm an asshole.
Tom will never get it.
He's ugly anyway.
Chris would have never gotten it.
Neither would Ryan.
I'd say something and they'ed think I was fucked up.
No one really gets that I don't understand people.
Anthony kind of did. He was an ass right back, and that made me happy.... until he was an ass to me.
I guess I should have seen it.

I'm really not good for anyone,lol.
I'm too big of an asshole or they're too big of a sissy.
We all know what god hates.

I give up.

It is soooooo cold in my house right now.

So, work has been crazy. Insane drama between Jason and Tracy.... Jen and I seem to be trapped in the middle too, lol. I'm not sure if Jason talks to her about it as much as he talks to me, but their little rift seems to be the only topic of discussion. That, and Sara not doing her damn job. She almost didn't do anything tonight until I told her to help me. She was filling out her paperwork like that was the most important thing when the entire shop was still a mess.












Dude.
maps.live.com
I'm looking at my house right now.
This is freaky.
Omg there's Jen's.
& Soraya's.
Omg.
That shit is freaky.
Ok, I'm going to bed.

Yeah, today was crazy.

I felt so bad for Jason, today was really shitty, and Tracy was being kind of a bitch. She came to me this afternoon and was like "Well, I know he had a bad day, but he doesn't need to treat me like shit. He needs to learn that if he becomes a manager. Welcome to the world ofmanaging."

Um, excuse me, Tracy, you are the same way. You get pissed and take it out on everyone. He was pissed off at you, so it's fine that he takes it out on you.

Ugh, so much drama.
I like that Jason talks to me about it though. I have a feeling we're gonna end up good friends. Lol, I drove him home today, and he is soooooo worse than my mom. Everytime I stopped, he'd close his eyes and scrunch down in his seat. It was cute.


Tomorrow will be fun. <3

So, lots of hotties in my classes.

One in particular I'm pretty fond of.
His name is Matt and I think he likes me.
We should get married and have little geek babies.

I kept glancing over at him during Astronomy and I really wanted to just bite his neck.

Ugh, he was so hot.
We need to have sex. Or, I should have sex with Jen's friend.
I don't care, I'm dying.

Alright, so, I'm retarded.

Anthony IMs me, like he has been doing, because he misses me so much as a friend. I figure, fuck it, I'm not attracted to him and his stupid beard anymore, I'll just try it. So we get to talking, catching up, he said something that means he's either dating Katie or just hangs out with her, and we move on. At first, it didn't bother me, but after signing off and coming back, I go to look at our contact history and I start reading all the conversations we've had over the past year. All the anger is back. All of the "how could he do that to me" feelings are just overwhelming. Part or me thinks that if I just try to be his friend it will work and I'll move on, but the thing is, I can hold a grudge like no one knows, and I clutch that anger like my life depended on it. I'm so mad, and I don't know what would be better for me. My friends would say leave him alone, don't talk to him, but is that really the healthier route?

IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I'm talking to Anthony, lol. He's still retarded.

I give up liking people.
Yes, I want to be with someone, but it should not be this hard.

And I need to stop being attracted to guys twice my age.

I just miss him because I'm lonely.

Do not talk to him. No matter what he says.

I know he's an ass, but I keep thinking of him.

And I miss that other guy.

There is a list of reasons I am not good for relationships.
& it just keeps growing.

Dude, that guy is a total hottie (not Casey.)

I <3 W.o.W.

I started thinking of Casey today.

I really miss him.
I liked him a whole lot.
I still do[no hope].



He would have said yes if I weren't fat.




Ah, life.

My insides feel like they're trying to rip their way out of my body.





It hurts so bad.

I don't want to work tomorrow. I don't want to work at all.

I want school to start soon so I can ignore people again with reason.


Fuck diabetes. Fuck hypothyroidism. Fuck UTIs. Fuck it all.